This Is For Keeps
by fancykidx
Summary: Kurt doesn't need him to reassure, not this time - he needs him to listen. In which Kurt - under cover of darkness - is more vulnerable than he's ever been, and all Blaine wants to do is fix it.


**TITLE: This Is For Keeps  
RATING: PG for cursing  
PAIRINGS: Kurt/Blaine  
WORD COUNT: 1800+  
SPOILERS: Valentine's Day episode  
SUMMARY: "Kurt doesn't need him to reassure, not this time - he needs him to listen." In which Kurt - under the cover of darkness - is more vulnerable than he's ever been, and Blaine just wants to fix it. Inspired by a certain blanket scene in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  
A/N: Like I stated, this is partly inspired by the blanket scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (my favorite part in the movie) and partly inspired by a recent experience I had (that, ironically enough, was inspired by that same scene in the movie). I think that everyone in the world should have an experience as incredible as that scene - if you've seen it. It's the most exhilarating feeling in the world being able to be that vulnerable and open in front of someone.**

**/**

"I was scared."

Kurt lets out a soft breath, looking up at the ceiling. "When I read that card from Karofsky that I thought was from you," He said quietly, carefully. "When I read 'I think I love you.' I was scared. Terrified, actually."

The dim glow of the lamp flickering in the corner of Kurt's bedroom is the only source of light in the otherwise dark room, and Blaine is happy that it's located in the perfect spot for it to reflect off of the flawless porcelain skin of Kurt's face. He's always thought Kurt to be the most beautiful person in the world, but in moments like these—when Kurt is lying in front of him, stripped down to a wife beater and a pair of loose sweatpants, his hair messy and his eyes closed—Blaine _knows _it to be true. Who else in the world can still manage to look as breathtaking in almost complete darkness as they do in the light with so little effort? It's unbelievable. It's incredible. It's everything that Kurt is, and Blaine is so, so, so lucky to be able to have him.

The thing is, even though their relationship grew out of friendship (an incredible friendship, one that Blaine has never really known before Kurt came along and one that he hopes will last no matter what happens to them), and even though Blaine knows more about Kurt than anyone else does, it's still a shock to his system whenever Kurt trusts him like this, tells him about his fears and worries when he spends so much time and effort carefully hiding it away from everyone else's eager ears—that Kurt would willingly offer up this sort of information to Blaine, that he would admit something he otherwise would never have admitted to anyone else, never fails to send a shiver down Blaine's spine with the thought that '_This is mine. This is all for me, I'm the only one in the world that knows this._'It's exhilarating, and all Blaine wants to do whenever Kurt gets like this is wrap him up in his arms and never let him go, shield him from the rest of the world, protect him from whatever is bothering him.

Instead, Blaine turns on his side, fixes Kurt with a curious gaze, and asks, "Why?"

The answer doesn't come immediately as Kurt continues to look at anything but Blaine, his eyes darting nervously around the room as Blaine waits patiently. It's what Kurt does, and Blaine knows better than to push him into saying something he's not yet ready to say.

"It's just…" Kurt began, his breathing becoming shakier as he struggles with whatever it is he needs to say, needs to admit, even if it's under the cover of minimal light. "When my mind was able to process the '_think' _in that sentence… it went haywire. I felt like I couldn't breathe. All I could think was, 'Blaine _thinks _he loves me.' It hurt that after everything we had been through, all you could say was you _think _you love me."

Blaine can't help it; he moves closer on the bed, nuzzling his nose against Kurt's shoulder and placing a soft kiss on the skin there before whispering, "I've told you thousands of times that I love you. You shouldn't have to worry about that."

He doesn't look up, doesn't look to see Kurt's reaction to the statement, because Kurt should _know. _ He should _know _that Blaine thinks he's the sun and the moon and the earth and solar system, he should know that Blaine's mission in life is to make Kurt the happiest he's ever been, he should know that all Blaine wants to do is _love _Kurt, and love him better and longer than anyone else can. Kurt should _know _this, and Blaine thinks that's all there is to it.

So when he hears a sniffle coming from Kurt, Blaine is shocked enough to give a small jump and wrap his arms around Kurt's waist, tangle his legs with his, and kiss away the tears steadily falling down his cheeks.

"Kurt," he whispers, frantic, because it also doesn't matter how many times he's seen Kurt cry, it crushes his soul _every damn time_, "Kurt, Kurt, what's wrong, baby, what—"

"I'm sorry," Kurt manages to choke out, his body stiffening slightly, and Blaine can feel him starting to pull away, so he clings on tighter, holds him closer, imagines that if he holds him firmly enough maybe Blaine will be able to melt into Kurt and they'll become one. "I'm sorry, fuck, I can't believe I'm crying already—"

"It's okay, god, it's so okay, just—what's wrong, sweetheart, tell me—" _Tell me how to fix this._

"I just—God, this is going to sound so stupid." Kurt takes a few shuddery breaths, and Blaine just holds on for dear life. "I never… I never feel like I'm good enough. You surround yourself with people telling you that you're worthless, that you go against God, that you should kill yourself because no one wants you anyway—you hear it enough times, you start to believe it. And before I found you, I was starting to believe it. My dad, he… he's incredible. He's the most—he's _everything_, he's everything I ever needed and he loves me so much and I love him so much, but sometimes, it just wasn't enough, y'know? Sometimes it felt like, no matter how much he loved me, a part of him really only loved me because he was _supposed _to, because I was his _son_. And it's so irrational, but sometimes I felt like, if I was born straight, or—I don't know, if I was his stepson or something instead of his son by blood, he wouldn't love me as much, and it just… God, I would spend _days_ thinking that way. Sometimes I couldn't get to sleep at night because I couldn't stop worrying."

Blaine listens with rapt attention, keeping a carefully neutral face as Kurt bares his soul, but inside he is _dying_, because this is Kurt at his most vulnerable, this is him telling someone his unedited thoughts for the first time, this is him spilling his worries about his insecurities in himself and in the most stable relationship he has ever had with another person and it's taking everything Blaine has in him not to cry, because Kurt needs him, Kurt needs him to be the strong one. But the urge to protect, keep, cover continues to grow as Blaine moves even closer (and how was that even possible, because they were already pressed together completely from shoulder to toe).

"And then you came along," Kurt said softly. "You came along, and you sang to Jeremiah, and you went out with Rachel, and you told me that you didn't want to screw us up, and the only reason my mind was able to come up with about why you would say that is that you didn't care for me enough. That I wasn't important enough to you, that I wasn't worth you risking anything on."

_It's stupid,_ is what Blaine thinks. _It's stupid that you would feel that way. It was the complete opposite. You were too important to mess things up with. I didn't want to risk anything because I didn't want to lose you. _But he remains silent, because Kurt doesn't need him to reassure, not right now—he needs him to listen.

"But then suddenly you were kissing me over the casket of my dead bird, and you were holding my hand in the hallways as we walked to class and you were singing to me on the steps of McKinley and pulling me to you like you needed me, and I just… I needed to hold onto you. I couldn't let you get away, you were too incredible and you meant too much to me, and I didn't want anyone to take you from me. Because I didn't have anything to keep you. I'm not exceptionally smart, I don't get all of the solos in glee club, I'm not the most attractive person in the world, or even in Lima. I'm just… God, I'm just _Kurt_, and you were _you, _and you're _amazing, _and I couldn't believe you were mine."

Tears start pouring down Kurt's face in earnest now as Blaine struggles to keep a straight face and not break down. "So when I saw the 'I _think_' tonight, it just… it didn't matter to me how many times you had said that you loved me before. The fact that there was a possibility that you might not love me as _much_ anymore—that I was starting to lose you… it terrified me. In that split second, all I could think was that you were going to leave me, and I was going to be alone again. And being alone… god, that _loneliness. _I never wanted to feel it again. It _hurt, _it hurt so _much, _sometimes it hurt to _breathe_—"

"Kurt—"

"Blaine," Kurt gasped out through his sobs and Blaine couldn't stop himself, couldn't just lie there and do nothing anymore. He rolled on top of Kurt, pressed kisses wherever his lips could reach, wiped clumsily at Kurt's tears, did anything he could to stop the pain, to take away the memories of _before _he came along. "Blaine, don't hurt me."

"I could never hurt you," Blaine breathed out in between kisses. "You're perfect. God, you're so perfect, I love you, I never want to hurt you—you're mine, you'll always be mine, fuck, _Kurt_—"

"God, I'm so ridiculous—"

"No, you're not, you're _perfect_, you're perfect, god, you're so beautiful and perfect and perfect and _perfect_—"Blaine held him tighter, kissed him harder, spoke louder, because Kurt needed to believe Blaine when he said that he loved him. Blaine wants to go out and destroy everyone that has ever hurt this perfect human being, that has ever made him believe that he was less than deserving of love and happiness. At the same time, he wants to tell Kurt _everything_—that, sometimes, he's the only reason Blaine gets up to go to the hellhole that is McKinley High, that sometimes he calls Kurt just to hear him talk after a bad day, that sometimes he wants to just run away with Kurt and get married and live their lives the way _they _want to live instead of the way society tells them they should.

For now, Blaine continues to wipe away his tears, to kiss away his insecurities and fears and worries. Blaine has an eternity with the beautiful, courageous man next to him, and he's going to spend as much time as possible fixing the mistakes of those who reached Kurt before he did.


End file.
